Thinking of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s love.

We were taught that selfishness means putting yourself before others.

We were told that if we sought our own pleasure, if we prioritized our needs over others’, then we were… selfish.

And in our minds, selfish = cold, self-centered, uncaring.

Not exactly traits we want to add to our inner résumé.

So, we learned the lesson well.

We learned to put others first.

To forget ourselves a little.

A lot.

Often.

And now, when we dare to say no—when we say:

“I need some time for myself right now”—

something feels off.

We feel guilty.

We’re afraid of being seen as selfish.

And sometimes, we even end up pushing ourselves past our limits, just to avoid that label.

But let me tell you something:

👉 Putting your needs first isn’t selfish.

👉 It’s love. Self-love.

And that, right there, is the starting point for everything else.

(But that’s a topic for another post 😉)

So… what does being selfish really mean?

We often think the selfish person is the one who puts themselves first.

But the real definition lies elsewhere.

Being selfish means expecting someone else to meet our needs before their own.

It means taking without caring what it costs the other.

It means believing others are responsible for our happiness.

💭 “He should’ve thought about me.”

💭 “She could’ve made an effort.”

💭 “I was counting on him/her.”

And when that expectation isn’t met, we call them selfish.

But…

Who’s really asking the other to fill their need here?

When you say no to someone to take care of yourself, and they call you selfish…

Ask yourself this:

👉 Who’s expecting the other to set themselves aside in order to give?

Spoiler alert: it’s not you. 😉

When I take care of myself… what am I taking away from the other person?

Nothing.

I’m not stealing.

I’m not depriving.

I’m simply responding to my own need.

And if someone calls me selfish because I say no,

because I choose to rest instead of helping,

because I put my energy first…

…then maybe that person was expecting something from me to meet their own need.

And maybe that’s what selfishness really is:

Expecting someone else to fill our emptiness.

Hoping someone else will forget themselves… for us.

What we call “selfishness” is often just projection

In truth, we often call others selfish… when they don’t meet our expectations.

💭 Didn’t call me back? Selfish.

💭 Declined my invitation? Selfish.

💭 Put themselves first instead of thinking about me? Definitely selfish.

But they’re not actually being selfish in those moments.

We’re simply projecting our unmet need onto them.

So what if we looked at this differently?

Because deep down, it’s not thinking of ourselves that damages our relationships.

It’s forgetting ourselves—and then resenting others for not noticing.

Thinking of yourself means choosing to be your true self.

It means choosing to respect yourself, so you can love others without expecting them to save you.

And if you want to build healthy, nourishing, balanced relationships…

Start by showing up for yourself.

Not against others,

But with yourself.

Because in the end,

you can’t offer yourself to someone else if you no longer belong to you.

And that, my friend,

isn’t selfishness.

It’s deep, beautiful love. 💛